When we read something, the words can evoke emotions in us, such as love or sadness, laughter or fear. Mostly the emotions we feel come because of longer pieces we write, but we challenged the writers to evoke an emotion in only one sentence.
The Assignment
The assignment for round 1 was:
Write a sentence that evokes fear.
Only ONE sentence
15-35 words
Short assignments seem easy, but they mostly are not. Writers had a limited number of words to come up with a sentence that will make the readers feel fear. In this, we frequently go to our own experiences. What are we afraid of? This means, the sentence might touch into your ‘fear center’, but will it do the same for your reader? What if you try to write from the perspective of your reader? Will you manage to evoke fear, if you don’t know what they are afraid of? Keeping all this in mind, makes the simple assignment of writing one sentence, suddenly become a lot more challenging.
Readers, what should you do now?
Read all the entries, and vote for the stories you like the best. Try to keep the assignment in mind when you make your choices. You have to choose three stories, no less, no more.
The survey is at the bottom of the page after the last story. Don’t’ forget to click the ‘Finish Survey’ button when you’ve made your choices!
Also, we would love if you can leave the writers some feedback in the comments section below.
Please note:
- Writers are not allowed to tell anyone which entry they have written!
- You can only vote once. Votes will be monitored and double votes will be removed.
- The voting round closes on Tuesday 26 April 2022 at 23.45 GMT (see the countdown in the sidebar).
- Results of the voting round will be published on this site on 30 April 2022 and then the author of each story will be revealed.
The entries
All sentences have already been sent to the jury, and they will rate every story with a point between 1-10. Below you, the public, can read all the sentences, and vote on the three you like best. The points the writers accumulate in this public voting round will be ‘translated’ to a point between 1-10, and added to the jury point to get the final result of this round.
Below are the 30 sentences we received back for round 1 – read them and feel the fear!
1. Feeding Time
The skrit-skrat of razor claws stops outside our hiding place again, but this time neither of us have enough milk to keep the baby quiet.
2. Dangerous Driveway
She thought she heard a yelp as she hurriedly backed the car around the toys, but far worse was the sickening crunch that followed.
3. Hiding place?
The family cowered in the silent safety of the hidden basement as death squad soldiers searched their house above, and then, the baby started to cry.
4. Not alone
I was sure I locked the cellar door, because I checked, and now it slowly swung open in front of me, sending a wave of cold, earthy smelling air in my face.
5. Soul death
His life crumbled in the matter of an instant when he realized the consequences of his actions, the bond was broken and she was gone, never to return.
6. The Afterlife
John’s head spun; he couldn’t decide if the incessant buzz of the flies, or the maggots chewing on his flesh was worse – if he’d known this was what death was, he’d have been cremated.
7. Broken Silence
As she savored being alone for the first time in weeks, she exited the bathroom naked except for a fluffy robe and heard a window sliding open in the guest room.
8. The Corridor
The corridor stretched before me, terror creeping into my soul as feral screams pierced through the frosted glass windows of the doors which flanked each side of me.
9. Hunted
Alice’s heart pounded as the gunshot reverberated in the hall, praying the intruder would pass by the bathroom door where she huddled in the tub.
10. Deep Cut
The burn of the ice-cold scalpel etches into your chest and you immediately scream out, but their anaesthesia has paralysed your voice as well as your body.
11. Daddy’s Rapture
Daddy smiled and told me he loved me before closing the casket lid but it wasn’t until the hammering started that I realized this wasn’t a game.
12. Groaking Feast
Her tiny frame shrank as he steadily approached her, or more correctly, the smidgen of food she had scrounged for hours to satisfy her first meal in days.
13. Old Church
None know how the preacher died in the old wooden church, but on moonlit nights some say he stands in a broken out window of the chapel beckoning those who see him to come inside.
14. God’s Bathroom
The rusty needle, loaded with death, kissed the abscessed flesh between his wife’s blood-soaked toes.
15. Dreaming
I watch her slumber, exhalations soft and sweet, soon her screams will be my symphony.
16. Something Approaches
With her vision obscured by the early morning fog, she thought at first that the figure across the street was human; then it began approaching her, and no human could possibly move like that.
17. Blood Kiss
Kissing her neck, his eyes belied the baby faced smile as he sank his teeth into her jugular, sending her body into shocked convulsions and her face into questioning terror.
18. Remnants
The bloodied and broken child standing in the road cocked his head — the spitting image of my son, who had died three hours ago on a hospital gurney.
19. Until Proven
The fact she was innocent no longer mattered, her fate rested in the hands of strangers; strangers who had never wronged her, until they rendered their guilty verdict.
20. Fear
While she could not see him in the inky darkness that surrounded them, Justine felt her dog push up against her legs and heard his growl become a whimper.
21. Unpleasant Surprise
I’ve observed the abandoned house for years, always empty, dark, and quiet; exploring it tonight, my flashlight finds a bedroom, walls covered in plastic wrap, and musty odor transformed into bleach.
22. Stung
Wheezing, fighting desperately for even the faintest breath, she clawed at her swelling throat as the burning hives crept rapidly up her arm and darkness crept in around the edges.
23. Kissing Surprise
Their lips separated and John bent down to kiss her neck; Suzy felt his teeth elongate as he brushed against her neck before she felt the bite.
24. Running Scared
Helen was sure she was being followed; another flirty text came through, she took the dark shortcut that she knew not to take, when everything went black from the bag over her head.
25. Baby Doll
After my toddler’s funeral, as I lay sobbing on her bed, I heard her dolly call for me and I froze, because I’d made that doll myself, out of only cloth and cotton.
26. Innocence Punished
The guillotine sang as it slid down toward my tender neck, while my life’s sorrows and joys flashed behind my clenched eyes, leaking tears.
27. Copied Cat
The nib glinted in the half-light as he ripped words from her soul and plagiarised across the page, leaving her violated and devoid of inspiration, her muse left for dead on the margin-side.
28. Death Wish
Most people are afraid of dying in a nuclear holocaust, but I don’t think enough are afraid of surviving in one.
29. Raptor
The rebel leader, Tercel, lay hooded and splayed upon the altar stone, his genitals tightly trussed with leather jesses, dreading the climax of the incantation and the first cruel incision of Castratrix Hawke’s black talons.
30. Jarring Emptiness
Realizing this is the only cure for this devastating disease, made his mouth open in a silent scream as he took his last breath, freezing the blood in his veins.
Feeding Time
I loved the description of the razor claws but it wasn’t quite scary enough for me.
Dangerous Driveway
I can see this being scary if someone or something was chasing the driver and they needed a fast getaway.
Hiding Place
The baby starting to cry seems to scare a lot of people but this one didnt do it for me
Not alone
Definitely evoked fear while showing more than telling
Soul Death
Kind of creepy but it didn’t really evoke fear
The Afterlife
I loved the descriptive nature of this story,
Broken Silence
I live alone but I’m not sure this would scare me
The Corridor
Definitely scary, nice job
Hunted
A gun going off in a room nearby would certainly terrify me
Deep Cut
Being cut up alive and unable to scream is horrifying.
Daddy’s Rapture
You got me, that is a terrifying thought
Groaking Feast
Kind of confused me is he the meal or is she.
Old Church
I feel like there could have been more of something to make this a little scarier
God’s Bathroom
Although what is here is well written, I feel like they could have added so much more.
Dreaming
With so many more words to utilize I would have loved to see this go further.
Something Approaches
Wish there was more of a description of what is approaching
Blood Kiss
I really loved this one
Remnants
Didn’t really scare me, though with ore words it could have
Until Proven
Seemed like a cliffhanger and needs more words to complete
Fear
If a dog is scared than so am I
Unpleasant Surprise
Surprise but not scary to me
Stung
That must be a scary thing for someone who is allergic, especially if they don’t know.
Kissing Surprise
I would be terrified if I was Suzy
Running Scared
I feel like she was asking for trouble if she knew she shouldn’t take it
Baby Doll
Dolls are quite scary under certain circumstances
Innocence Punished
I love this one, how it made me feel in the moment.
Copied Cat
Nothing about this sentence brought out fear, though I did like the concept behind it
Death Wish
Absolutely Perfect, that is certainly something that would terrify me.
Raptor
WOW, just Wow
Jarring Emptiness
Yes this one would be scary
Voting Round 1
Three general points:
1. When you’ve got a limited word count, you need to make the title do some of the heavy lifting. Several stories here could have been lifted out of the mundane by an imaginative title.
2. Separating two sentences with a semi-colon doesn’t mean it’s not two sentences (or even three)!
3. Fear is an emotion of anticipation; if the horrible outcome has already occurred the fear is dissipated.
1. Feeding Time
*This is a strong start! I like the onomatopoeic ‘skrit-skrat’. A short, sharp sentence and a definite sense of peril. Great title too. Best bit: ‘skrit-skrat’ VOTED FOR
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2. Dangerous Driveway
It’s difficult to avoid it, when asked to evoke fear, but this is just too horrible for me! It’s a good sentence but something about the structure seems at odds with the sudden horror of the event. Best bit: ‘sickening crunch’
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3. Hiding place?
Curious how this describes a scenario so similar to ‘1. Feeding Time’, but this is more prosaic and lacks the chill factor of Feeding Time. The title, with a question mark, reads like a first-draft working-title. Best bit: ‘silent safety’
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4. Not alone
The clause ‘because I checked’ seems unnecessary and starts the sentence off with a hesitation that reduces its impact. I also think ‘a wave of cold, earthy air’ is preferable to ‘a wave of cold, earthy smelling air’. Best bit: ‘cold, earthy’.
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5. Soul death
This one doesn’t evoke fear for me because it seems that the worst has already happened. Also, I think it’s probably two sentences: His life crumbled in the matter of an instant when he realized the consequences of his actions. The bond was broken and she was gone, never to return. Best bit: ‘the bond was broken’
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6. The Afterlife
The idea is strong but the sentence is over-elaborated. It’s probably a good rule-of-thumb that any sentence that includes both a semi-colon and a dash is probably really more than one sentence. Best bit: ‘if he’d known this was what death was’
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7. Broken Silence
It doesn’t register highly on the scare-o-meter for me (my assumption is just that her partner/housemate has returned unexpectedly…). The ‘fluffy robe’ is a distraction too – ‘naked except for a fluffy robe’ isn’t any sort of naked, is it? Best bit: ‘Broken Silence’
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8. The Corridor
Quite scary. Some unnecessary words in there, weakening the impact of the sentence; ‘…as feral screams pierced the frosted windows each side of me’ loses seven words but, for me, is better for it. Best bit: ‘The corridor stretched before me’
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9. Hunted
‘Huddled in the tub’ has rather too cosy a sound to it, to my ears! ‘Heart pounded’ and ‘gunshot reverberated’ are too familiar sounding; I rather like the idea of just swapping them – ‘Alice’s heart reverberated as the gunshot pounded in the hall’! Best bit: ‘Hunted’
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10. Deep Cut
A horrific scenario, undoubtedly. But I’m left wondering who ‘you’ and ‘they (their)’ are; therein lies the essence of a story! Best bit: ‘ice-cold scalpel’
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11. Daddy’s Rapture
There’s something that I can’t quite put my finger on in the second clause (‘it wasn’t until the hammering started that I realized this wasn’t a game’) that takes the sting out of tale… Is it just that the tense and perspective tells us that the narrator is going to survive this? Best bit: ‘Daddy smiled and told me he loved me’
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12. Groaking Feast
This sentence just doesn’t work for me, sorry. I can make sense out it but I have to work hard and I’m not sure I’m getting what the writer intended. Would it have helped if I knew what ‘groaking’ means? (…looked it up… it does help… a bit!) Best bit: ‘smidgen of food’
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13. Old Church
I think you could have ramped up the fear factor here. ‘Some say’ reduces it to just another one of those improbable rumours of a haunting. Also, repeating words from the sentence as the title misses an opportunity for the title to add something extra. Best bit: ‘None know how the preacher died’
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14. God’s Bathroom
To be honest, my first thought was, ‘If her toes are already blood-soaked and abscessed, a needle loaded with death – however rusty – sounds like an act of mercy!’ Why is it God’s bathroom? This led me to think we must be talking about God’s wife. Best bit: ‘kissed the abscessed flesh’
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15. Dreaming
Sorry, this one falls foul of the two sentences trap (I watch her slumber, exhalations soft and sweet. Soon her screams will be my symphony.) Best bit: ‘soon her screams will be my symphony’
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16. Something Approaches
There’s potential to tighten this sentence up with some cutting. For example, ‘In the early morning fog’ alone is enough to tell us that her vision would be obscured. Best bit: ‘early morning fog’
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17. Blood Kiss
The title gives it all away, denying the opportunity to shock the reader. And the ‘baby faced smile’ (should be ‘baby-faced’, incidentally) didn’t sit well in the sentence for me. Best bit: ‘questioning terror’
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18. Remnants
‘Spitting image’ strikes the wrong note for me; too light-hearted (almost a sense of, ‘Well, blow me down if it wasn’t my own dead son!’). Best bit: ‘bloodied and broken’
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19. Until Proven
I think I need more context here for it to evoke fear in me; who is ‘she’, of what has been accused, what penalty is she facing? Maybe some of this could have been conveyed in the title (‘Salem’?) Best bit: ‘strangers who had never wronged her’
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20. Fear
I presume the ‘him’ that she could not see was not intended to be the dog, but that is how it reads. You need to get more out of your title; it’s not contributing anything. Best bit: ‘heard his growl become a whimper’
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21. Unpleasant Surprise
I don’t think the surprise is sufficiently unpleasant! Plastic wrap and a mixed aroma of mustiness and bleach isn’t scary enough. Also, I think this is probably two sentences? Best bit: ‘always empty, dark, and quiet’
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22. Stung
*This was an original take on the theme of fear. Repetition of ‘crept’ is a mistake; ‘darkness closed in around the edges’ might be a better option? Best bit: ‘she clawed at her swelling throat’ VOTED FOR
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23. Kissing Surprise
I think this is two sentences. Vampire kisses seem to be quite a popular choice here so you need to bring something extra to the idea to have an impact. Perhaps your title could have done more to bring something additional? Best bit: ‘before she felt the bite’
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24. Running Scared
Three sentences! ‘Helen was sure she was being followed. Another flirty text came through. She took the dark shortcut…’ Best bit: ‘she took the dark shortcut’
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25. Baby Doll
Who is this parent addressing? What parent would refer to ‘my toddler’s funeral’, rather than, say, ‘Emily’s funeral’? Best bit: ‘I heard her dolly call for me’ (though might ‘I heard her dolly call ‘Mummy’’ be stronger?)
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26. Innocence Punished
A bit like 5 (Soul death), the sense of fear is reduced by the finality of the act occurring. I don’t know; when would fear be at its greatest during execution? It’s an interesting question! Best bit: ‘The guillotine sang’
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27. Copied Cat
*Ah, a writer’s true fear – the fear of plagiarism and a dead muse! I would have liked to have a stronger sense of who ‘he’ and ‘her’ might be but there’s also a pleasing mysteriousness to the sentence. Best bit: ‘her muse left for dead on the margin-side’ VOTED FOR
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28. Death Wish
This is a fiction marathon and this ain’t a story! Best bit: ‘Death Wish’
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29. Raptor
This is my own story and I’m still happy with it. I just hope that people who don’t know the word ‘jesses’ will look it up and then be impressed by just how clever I’ve been to squeeze six falconry references into one sentence (…hmm… I fear I might have misunderstood the criteria for ‘Good’ in this competition!). Best bit: ‘tightly trussed with leather jesses’
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30. Jarring Emptiness
Describing a disease as ‘devastating’ is the language of a medical documentary or news report; it seems incongruous here. Best bit: ‘freezing the blood in his veins’
Elk x
Well done to all the writers for completing the task. Coming up with a sentence that evokes fear would certainly have put the wind up me.
Having been on the jury for the last two years it’s nice this time to just sit back and enjoy the writing without having to judge.it. I have entered my three favourites, which was difficult enough as I had a short list of ten to whittle it down from. My three are
1)Feeding Time . The idea of a couple running out of milk to stop a baby crying and attracting the attention of whatever was making the scrit scat sound was scary, heightened by the use of ‘this time’ implying they had been hiding for some time,
10)Deep Cut. This was very fear inducing. Great use of words. Burn contrasting with ice-cold. Not being able to sceam out while suffering immense pain is a fearful image,
11) Daddy’s Rapture Being buried alive is a fear many have. The fact that smiling Daddy is nailing down the coffin lid makes the fear even worse.
I enjoyed this first round very much. Thanks, May and Marie for being such great hosts.
Here’s some feedback on my favorite three sentences and a little critique on the three sentences I liked a bit less:
3 – I liked the fact that the sentence could easily be the introduction to a story; it tells the tale-to-be in a clear and suspenseful way. Good job.
6 – A nice sentence to go within a paragraph of a story, but for a scary sentence, it isn’t scary; John is dead, which doesn’t elicit fear for me, the reader. Perhaps if it had been written in first-person, a fearful aspect would have come across better.
12 – This was too inconclusive for me. Writing this in third person didn’t show who ‘her’ was or ‘he’ to bring about a fearful reaction and didn’t allow me to care about the subject. First-person may have been more frightening.
20 – I liked the imagery in this sentence; it brings the hackles up. Nice job. The title is unfortunate, however, because it doesn’t say as much as it could have.
22 – This single sentence told a very terrifying tale of someone who is allergic to a sting with a reaction that could bring on the possibility of death. Very scary, and very well written.
28 – I liked the sentiment, but it is not a ‘scary’ enough sentence; too impersonal to bring about a reaction of anything other than ‘interesting.’ Maybe if you had made it more personal for an individual to take heed and think about, it would have brought on the sought-after fear-bearing feelings.
To all the writers…wonderful work! JSD
Let me start by picking up my jaw off the floor – I was shocked in the very best way by the high standard of all the sentences submitted. Each fulfilled the brief of discussing something fearsome, many conveyed enough story to make me want more. Others were succinct, a tiny thumbnail sketch of a moment when fear registers.
When scoring the stories I asked ‘did they make me feel fear?’
We are all different. Events in our lives, the phobias or passions we have press their influence into us so what triggers a fight or flight instinct will differ in every person.
My background: I love the supernatural horror genre. So sentences that played on creepy, unnatural, otherworldly or back from the dead themes had my hair standing on end most effectively.
Layering was used to great advantage by several writers. The best sentences piled on the horror, using setting, sounds, factors out of the protagonist’s control, disgust, superstition:
1. Feeding Time 3. Hiding Place? 8. The Corridor 10. Deep Cut 16. Something Approaches 18. Remnants 20. Fear (another creature was also scared) 25. Baby Doll
Some writers unfortunately dampened the effect of the build-up of fear by using words with positive associations :
7. Broken Silence (the fluffy robe) 15. Dreaming (soft and sweet) 24. Running Scared (the flirty text distracted this reader) 26. Innocence Punished (sang & joys)
I found relatable threats particularly menacing:
3. Hiding Place 7. Broken Silence 20. Fear (I’m a lone woman who walks a dog – this really struck a chord) 22. Stung
Using a child to juxtapose innocence with danger was a great vehicle:
1. Feeding Time 3. Hiding Place 11. Daddy’s Rapture 18. Remnants 25. Baby Doll – 2. Dangerous Driveway (used a puppy in same way)
A few sentences might have done better with adjustments to the word order, putting fright inducing elements ahead of any explanations. Others were factual or clever, but did not push my buttons. We are all different and these are my impressions. I’m sure other judges and jury members will have varying thoughts.
As someone who tries to write, the first round is always the hardest struggle for me. To strike an emotion, especially one I don’t generally go for, in 15-35 words, was a massive, personal struggle. While I started with a sentence that imposed a deadline … something that strikes fear in so many people, I found so many great sentences here that I may even use as some personal prompts to push me for some writing later on.
I chose 3, that absolutely struck me and caused me some fear, but I’m not going to share those here.
To all 30 of you / us, that participated.
Good luck, may you find the fear of winning in every round to make you happy and excited, and I’ll see you soon, as the voting for round 1 wraps up.
And Marie and May,
As always, thanks for running these, and thank you for all you do for the community.
Wow! First of all, let me begin by saying that this was a great opening round. This is, by far, my favorite round 1 prompt, as it really pushed the writers to do several important things.
My process for this round was a quick first read-through, during which I marked each entry with a green, yellow, or red circle. Green was used for entries I liked right away, yellow for those that were okay, and red for those that just didn’t really strike my fancy. I didn’t dig too deep about my reasons for this; I just went with my gut instinct.
After reading through the entries, I devised a scoring system for the entries based on the qualities that emerged as being necessary for this prompt. This included sensory word choice, a sense of story outside of the sentence, imagery/description, and the requirement that the entry evoke a bodily reaction for me (eyes widening, tingling skin, a sinking feeling, etc.). Since the idea was to evoke fear, if it didn’t do this, it didn’t score well. The sentence also had to draw me in or “hook” me, making me wonder, question, or want to know more.
I looked at all my green stories and ran them through this 5-point scoring system. This “rubric” kept me from being too subjective and just picking stories I liked versus stories that were crafted well. I ranked these, by score, and found that I had 9 stories at the top of my list. To break ties, so to speak, I added on two more qualifications: Would I want to read this story? Is the writing tight and well-crafted?
Interestingly, some of my favorites out of the gate were not scored as highly as I might have thought. Had I not imposed a rubric, my scores would probably have been a bit different. As it stands, entries 1, 2, 3, 11, 14, 18, 20, 21, and 22 were at the top of my list. They were the ones I marked green.
Here are my comments:
1 – love the sound word…immediately engages my senses
2 – ugh…my stomach dropped with this one…there’s a whole horrible story here that blossoms like a bloodstain, slow and unstoppable
3 – oh, no…another baby cry…the beauty of this strategy is the loss of control, which adds to the terror
4 – wordy…doesn’t evoke fear for me…word choices aren’t powerful enough – in a short entry like this, every word counts…like poetry
6 – ewww, how horrible to be aware of your own death
9 – not a fan of the 2nd person p.o.v.
11 – fuck…yeah that would induce terror…comma before “but”
12 – sentence structure is confusing…did he approach her or the food? I also feel no fear here…
13 – spooky…maybe eerie…but does not evoke fear
14 – ahh! visceral word choice
15 – doesn’t evoke fear…and it’s a run-on sentence
18 – definitely the possible beginning of a horror story
20 – I like the use of the dog…I can connect to this as a source of fear b/c we tend to trust their instincts in reading people better than we do…good foreshadow/suspense technique
21 – I’m immediately engaged and want to know more…
22 – excellent description…allows me to feel what the character is feeling…senses
23 – how can she feel his teeth elongate?
24 – wordy…run-on sentence
26 – good descriptive language, but it didn’t evoke fear for me
27 – interesting, quite poetic, maybe a bit melodramatic?
28 – a good opening line for a story that might be scary…but it doesn’t evoke fear on its own
29 – hmmm…some good description and interesting word choices, but I’m not feeling fear
What I will say is that this is a hopeful collection of entries. If this is what you come up with for round 1, I can’t wait to see where we go with this in round 2! Good luck everyone! You all have potential!
Cheers,
Brigit
As requested, here are my thoughts about six of the entries:
LIKED:
16. Something Approaches
I liked the fog device, mirroring clarity emerging from uncertainty.
28. Death Wish
I liked it because it stated something that I think is often thought, but rarely voiced.
12. Groaking Fest
I liked it because I learned a new, very useful term, which I can’t wait to deploy myself – “Stop groaking my food!”
Less successful for me were:
14. God’s Bathroom
This brought out the overly analytical part of me: why did the needle need to be rusty (tetanus?) if its syringe was loaded with death and why were the toes already bloody? This isn’t necessarily bad, since I would need to read further to discover the answers.
29, Raptor
Simply because I’m a wienie and squeamish.
24. Running scared
The events are a little too compressed to pack into a single sentence, IMHO.
Really enjoyed reading all the submissions.
I am impressed by the high quality of the entries we have received for this round. Some of the sentences definitely made me feel a chill run down my spine. When preparing my feedback, I concentrated on the emotion the sentence evoked. We are all different, so sentences which would make me feel a sense of fear, wouldn’t necessarily do that for someone else.
1. Feeding Time
I like the contrast in the sentence between the razor claws and the baby, and because of the contrast my mind went straight to a chilling horror scenario.
2. Dangerous Driveway
A horrible scenario, the idea to drive over someone (toys… a kid?). Reading the sentence several times, I think you could have made it even stronger, as now it has to be ready in combination with the title to paint the full scene.
3. Hiding place?
Just like the first sentence, this one also took my mind to a horror scenario. Love the alliteration in the sentence.
4. Not alone
I can see how this can be scary if you are in the position, thinking you are safe, but then you’re not. However, the sentence didn’t make me feel fear. I like the idea of the sentence, but it could’ve been stronger.
5. Soul death
Reading this sentence I felt sad for him, but I didn’t feel any fear.
6. The Afterlife
Oh my goodness, isn’t this the one thing we all fear, that if we are buried, we wake up in our coffins. Now this sentence definitely mirrored a fear I have, and something I have thought about a lot since we buried my mom almost five years ago.
7. Broken Silence
I like the scene you paint here, but feel the sentence could’ve been stronger by restructuring the words. Nevertheless, the idea of being alone and naked and then hearing a window sliding open is quite scary.
8. The Corridor
Just like two earlier sentences this one also made me think of a horror scenario. Where I see the scenario in the sentence before me, the sentence didn’t leave me with a feeling of fear.
9. Hunted
The sentence in combination with the title is scary, but didn’t give me that tingly feeling I was looking for.
10. Deep Cut
The sentence immediately made me think of Dexter, and damn, some of the scenes from that series were scary as hell. I shivered reading this one. The idea of experiencing such pain and not able to get away from it is horrifying. Just one question: if your voice is paralyzed, can you still scream out?
11. Daddy’s Rapture
Reading that made me swallow hard. Yes, definitely a sentence evoking fear!
12. Groaking Feast
I can see how the idea of someone maybe wanting to take her food away from her scares her, but the sentence didn’t evoke fear in me. It made me feel sad for her.
13. Old Church
I read the sentence several times. A good sentence, with a good scenario, but it didn’t make me feel fear.
14. God’s Bathroom
Now this sentence sent a chill down my spine! So little words, and such an image you created with it!
15. Dreaming
Yes, another sentence which definitely made me feel that chill!
16. Something Approaches
This made me think of ‘The Mist’, a movie that scared me, simply because you didn’t know what was out there. I like the idea of your sentence, but feel your sentence would have been stronger had you made it more compact.
17. Blood Kiss
A good, strong sentence, but it didn’t make me feel the fear I hoped it would.
18. Remnants
The idea of losing a child is a scary thing, and I can clearly imagine the sadness being so intense that a parent might experience horror images like this. This one definitely sent a chill down my spine.
19. Until Proven
Being found guilty when you know you’re innocent must be one of the most horrifying things to go through. I remember seeing documentaries of people who were locked up for many, many years and then found innocent when their cases were reviewed, and it always brings tears to my eyes. Your sentence reminded me of that feeling of sadness.
20. Fear
This made me fee the dog’s fear, and I felt sorry for him, but didn’t feel fear myself. However, you did make me curious to know what’s out there in the darkness.
21. Unpleasant Surprise
An earlier sentence made me think of the series Dexter, and so does this one. A chilling idea that murders might have been committed here. I look at your sentence and feel the first part about observing takes away some of the power of the rest of the sentence.
22. Stung
This definitely sent a chill down my spine, as it reminded me of experiencing such a wheezing moment. Strong sentence!
23. Kissing Surprise
The sentence left me with a question: it says Suzy felt his teeth and then felt the bite. This means she wanted the bite, because otherwise, why didn’t she pull away?
24. Running Scared
A chilling scenario here, the idea to be followed and then feel a bag over the head, but I felt this didn’t work as one sentence. If you started with “She took the dark shortcut…” you could’ve worked the part about being followed into the rest of the sentence. The flirty text seems out of place here.
25. Baby Doll
The same feedback I gave sentence number 18 applies here too.
26. Innocence Punished
To know there’s less than a second left of your life must be one of the most horrifying things there is. A chilling scenario in this sentence!
27. Copied Cat
I love the writing metaphors in this sentence and it made me think of both writers block and murder. Really a beautiful sentence.
28. Death Wish
This sentence didn’t make me feel fear, but you managed to indeed take my mind to surviving a nuclear holocaust, and the devastating effects it can have for many, many years on whoever survives.
29. Raptor
I didn’t feel fear with this sentence, but you made me curious to know more. What happened before? What will happen after? Will Tercel die? Why an incantation?
30. Jarring Emptiness
A great sentence, which made me feel fear and desperation for him to be saved from the devastating disease.
Marvellous stories. Love them all.
Some general comments on generating fear/horror which apply to most of these stories. (My opinions are only my own, and are not the law. They are only what I believe.)
1) When the story is about the victim, personalize the victim. Name them. Don’t say “He cowered behind the closed door.” Rather say “John cowered behind the closed oak door.” It brings the reader into the same space as the victim.
2) When the story is about the victim, demonize the evil. Instead of calling them “him”, perhaps call them “the beast” or “evil personified”
3) When the story is about the horror or about the evil, trivialize the victim. Perhaps don’t name them, or describe them negatively.
4) My writing is pretty bare bones. I don’t describe much, but with horror, build the atmosphere. Instead of “door”, say “solid oak door” or weatherbeaten door, swinging on its rusty hinges, creaking its symphony of death to all who dare to hear.”
5) Build up to the climax. Sue the classic story arc most of the time. It works and is a classic for a reason. One sentence isn’t long enough to really get fancy, but it is possible. If you want to use a different ordering, write it out in the standard way first, and then use that as your guide to changing it.
6) Dont be afraid to be graphic, when necessary. Also, don’t be afraid to leave things to the reader’s imagination. This is especially 9importnst with short reads. Iet them infer the details, Infer the horror. Their minds hold terrors which can be unlocked with only a few choice words, which we could never dream of.
X
Had goosebumps reading these–some comments started with their corresponding numbers:
1. I love the use of skirt-skrat–made the hairs come on the back of my neck. The sound was as scary as the claws that followed.
5. This reminded me of Orpheus and Eurydice, I can imagine Orpheus felt like this. I love the emotion here.
6. Ohhhh this is so creepy–the imagery is a little too good. And I feel like you could have made cremation as equally awful of a choice–good stuff.
7. I love the contrast of a decadent scene, so soon followed by a terrifying one–the fluffy robe to the window sliding open.
11. The innocence here is what makes this so terrifying. Terror does not have to reiterate terror tropes–it can be in the unexpected like here.
14. I do not even want to know what preceded this–this aftermath is terrifying but I love that I do want to know as well. Leave us wanting more.
15. Why is this beautiful? It is terrifying, but you made it so beautiful. Decadent contrast.
17. The questioning terror–that line is the true terror here. I feel for her…
24. This makes me feel out of breath, I feel exactly every bit of the terror here. Too relatable and that it why it works.
28. I love the mind game you play with us here–which is the greater terror?
My feedback for all the stories can be found here:
https://ifsexmatters.co.uk/fiction-marathon-feedback-round-one-2022/
The quality of the entries was amazing! Best ever 1st round, in my opinion…
And you are all incredible for being brave enough to enter a competition – BRAVO i say 🙂